Kudos to you on your award-winning performance in X. I know that the millions upon millions of dollars you garnered from your film, not to mention the millions more that you’ll no doubt reap from future movie, television, and commercial offers seein’ as how you’ve finally reached that most enviable “Oscar Winning Actor” status that can be slapped on all of your future trailers and publicity releases, as well as the glory that comes from being officially validated as a legitimate A-lister, probably all pale in comparison to the ginormous boost your ego has just received by actually winning this most prestigious award.
I know it’s en vogue to act all surprised when your name is actually called, but is it really all that surprising? After all, you were nominated. You knew you had a one-in-five chance, right? It’s not like everyone just jumped out from behind the furniture and yelled Surprise, Bitch! You at least had a heads up that this was likely to happen.
On the other hand, iffin’ you want to act grateful, be my guest. I know this has to be an incredibly emotional moment for you. I mean, lordy, your whole life is about to change. And, for the good, better, best, I might add. If you want to act humble, well, by all means, be humbled. You get paid a shit-ton of money to play act. Most of us poor suckers do it every day. For free. Without a union. And certainly without medical benefits, an agent, an entourage, or industry cred. And you, dear Sir or Madam, are the one in a million of actors/waiters who’ve actually made it onto the big screen. And, been recognized. By your peers. Holy cow, Man! That’s sooo awesome!
Here’s my concern. Since when did you Hollywood types start thinkin’ that we, the Little People, give two shits about your sociopolitical views? We get enough of this politicking crap during election years from the politicians, what the hell makes you think we give a rat’s ass about what you think? Oh, but we have an obligation to our fans to use this free spotlight to highlight our favorite causes.
Really? Is that what you think, you presumptuous prick? I couldn’t have figured that out by all of the public appearances you make, PSA commercials you shoot, and $800/plate galas you attend, you self-righteous pain in the tuchus?
As one of the smartest women I know, Terry S., recently wrote:
I am sick unto death of being lectured on “greed” by those who make more on one movie than my family will ever make in a lifetime. The shallowness that does not allow them to see that they themselves are guilty of the very thing they are accusing others of makes my head explode.
I begrudge no one the ability to make a boatload of bucks. But I do expect a little more self awareness, gratitude, and humility for the pleasures of this life that you enjoy.
Act, you idiots. Act and direct movies and produce entertainment for me and my family. Then shush. I don’t need anything more from you.
Hear, hear. And, if you wanna know the truth, Dear Winner, I’m more eager to see what you’re wearing at the Oscars. I really don’t give a good GD what you’re thinking.
So, do us all a favor, please. When it comes time to thank everyone who got you to that little golden statue, don’t do it from your blasted soapbox. I implore you. And, if you stray too far into politics, recent polls suggest that it’s likely that a good half of these *United* States of America disagrees with you anyway. And I can assure you, your lil’ speech isn’t going to make us slap our foreheads and exclaim Eureka! I had no idea. Thank God, X has shown -me -the -way. Thank God I tuned in for that illuminating sermon.
You’ve clearly worked hard and earned your way to the top. So again, congrats. Be humble. Be gracious. Be thankful. Just don’t be an effin’ gasbag. Enjoy your award!
PS – Interested in seeing some really good acceptance speeches? Knock yourself out.
Julie Andrews Wins Best Actress, Mary Poppins
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh this is lovely. I know you Americans are famous for your hospitality, but this is really ridiculous. I have so many thank yous and I only know where to start and that’s with Mr. Walt Disney, and naturally he has the largest thank you of all; I wouldn’t know where to stop. I would like somehow to try and convey my really deep gratitude and … well, gratefulness, and … well, I’ve just said that haven’t I? (laughs) … for being made to feel so really welcome in this country. Thank you very much indeed.”
Humphrey Bogart Wins Best Actor, The African Queen
“It’s a very long way from the heart of the Belgian Congo to the stage of the Pantages Theatre and I’m very glad to say that it’s a little nicer here than it was there. I just want to pay a slight, as a matter of fact a very big tribute, to Mr. John Huston and Miss Katharine Hepburn because they helped me to be where I am now. Thank you very much.”
Grace Kelly Wins Best Actress, The Country Girl
“The thrill of this moment keeps me from saying what I really feel. I can only say thank you with all my heart to all who made this possible for me. Thank you.”
John Wayne Wins Best Actor, True Grit
“Wow! If I’d have known that, I’d have put that patch on thirty-five years earlier. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m no stranger to this podium. I’ve come up here and picked up these beautiful golden men before, but always for friends. One night, I picked up two. One for Admiral John Ford, one for our beloved Gary Cooper. I was very clever and witty that night, the envy of even Bob Hope. But tonight, I don’t feel very clever or very witty. I feel very grateful …very humbled… and owe thanks to very many people. I want to thank the members of the Academy, to all you people who are watching on television, thank you for taking such a warm interest in our glorious industry. Good night.”
Ruth Gordon Wins Supporting Actress, Rosemary’s Baby
“I can’t tell you ya’ how encouraging a thing like this is. The first film that I was ever in was in 1915 and here we are, and it’s 1969. Actually, I don’t know why it took me so long, though I don’t think, ya’ know, that I’m backward. Anyway, thank ya’ Bill, thank ya’ Bob, thank you Roman, and thank you Mia, and thank all of you who voted for me — and all of you who didn’t, please excuse me.”
Joe Pesci Wins Supporting Actor, Goodfellas
“It’s my privilege. Thank you.”
Further Reading of Interest at Mental Floss:
How Are Oscar Nominees Chosen?